


Meet Our Bundle

by Bumocusal



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: 1st birthday, ADHD, ADHD is a main plot point, Alpha Derek, Alpha Derek Hale, Atheism, Atheist Character, Baby Laura is cute, Baby Laura loves them, Birthday, Cute, Derek hates one direction, Derek is Dumb, Derek is a Good Alpha, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, If you're sensitive to atheism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kindergarten, M/M, Mpreg, Night Changes by One Direction, Pack Mother Stiles Stilinski, Pregnant Stiles, Rebuilding the Hale House, Rebuilt Hale House, Screaming, Stiles Stilinski Swears, Stiles in labor, Stiles is Legal, Stiles is Not a Virgin, Swearing, discomfort, forced religion, labor, like a lot of cursing, so much swearing, stay away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-05-28 08:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6321892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bumocusal/pseuds/Bumocusal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“You’re doing so good, Stiles,” Derek whispered in his ear. </i>
</p><p>  <i>“Thanks, Derek,” Stiles smiled groggily, that was when the baby finally decided to crown. The baby was literally destroying his asshole, and he knew she was tearing his gooch.</i><br/>Or; Stiles is giving birth, he's planning a birthday party, and then getting strawberry ice cream because fuck the school system.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet Our Bundle

**Author's Note:**

> I might write more. Who knows?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't even ask. It's 12:49 am, and I'm eating brownie brittle. How is that even a thing?
> 
> Also, if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes, please feel free to dis me in the comments. Lmao

Screaming fills the small room of Deaton's office, “ _Bring Derek to me or I’ll kill every one of you fuckers! Mother fuckers, you better bring him to me or I’ll-_ ”

Stiles wailed, pushing as hard as he could, wanting to deliver this baby more than anything in his entire life. His sweet baby girl, who was about to be born without the presence of her second daddy.

“ _If you mother fuckers don’t have Derek in here in five seconds I’m not having this baby_ ,” Stiles bellows, clamping his hands on the sides of the operating table. This table is where fucking dog babies are born, and it’s kind of degrading.

Scott looks scared, and Deaton just seems tired, “Listen, Mr. Stilinski, we’ve tried to contact the alpha already, but he’s not picking up-”

“ _I don’t fucking care, Deaton,_ ” Stiles cries, a contraction rolls through him and he feels the tears stream down his face, “ _Get him here or else_.”

Scott rushes to his side, black veins leeching away the pain, and comforting him. Honestly, where is Derek? Their daughter is being brought onto this earth and Derek is probably hanging out with Isaac or Boyd. Before he can think of any other conspiracies, Derek comes sprinting through the door, eyes red and full of panic. “Stiles?”

“Derek!” Stiles sobs in relief, the blow of another contraction leaves him breathless.

Deaton walks calmly over to Stiles, examining his gaping asshole, then leveling his eyes with Stiles, “Okay, time to start the birth. You’re officially ten centimeters dilated.”

“Start the birth? What the hell have I been doing for that past hour and a half?” Stiles snaps, then cringes in pain as Scott pulls his hand back. Derek quickly takes over and is better than any epidural Stiles could have hoped for.

Deaton pulls on a pair of latex gloves, and signals Scott some kind of doctor signal. “I’m going to need you to push,” Deaton says.

Stiles groans, “I’ve been pushing, Doc, nothing happens.”

“Try again,” Deaton suggest, cold fingers prodding his asshole, worse than any prostate exam Stiles has ever experienced.

Stiles knew he looked like crap; with his hair sweaty and matted against his forehead and his face and new double chin probably flushed. But, as he started pushing, Derek gave him a look of pure admiration.

It helped.

Two laborious hours later, the baby _still_ hadn’t been delivered.

Deaton was running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off, mumbling about birth complications. Derek ran his hand across Stiles jaw, cheek and the bridge of his nose.

“You’re doing so good, Stiles,” Derek whispered in his ear.

“Thanks, Derek,” Stiles smiled groggily, he’d been on the verge of sleeping for the past thirty minutes, but the pain in his abdomen was too much. That was when the baby finally decided to crown.

The baby was literally destroying his asshole, and he knew she was tearing his gooch.

Deaton was, for once, startled into action, pulling out some grilling tongs, “Get those away from my anus Deaton. I know hot, but I’m not a piece of meat.”

At least his destroyed shitter didn't mean he lost his sense of humor.

Minutes later, the sound of their daughter, howling her lungs out, slashed through the room. _Their_ daughter.

She was beautiful.

She was beautiful and suddenly in Stiles arms, crying and snotting all over his bare chest.

Derek had protectively hovered himself over Stiles and the baby, looking at them like it was his mission to protect them.

“Hey, Deaton,” Scott voice surprises Stiles from the other side of the room, “Can you tell if the baby is human or wolf?”

Deaton hums, “She looks human.”

Stiles actually weeps.

His perfect little girl, how fragile and gooey and utterly _human_ she turned out to be.

“What’s her name?” Scott asked, coming closer to examining her, pen snapping as he pulled out the registration papers. Deaton had been the official "Midwife", but ever since Scott had taken those veterinarian classes at the community college over the summer, he'd been interested in human biology. 

Derek starts to say the chosen name they’d spent half his pregnancy deciding. They were going to name her Claudia, after his late mother, but now seeing his baby girl so close and real, the name didn’t sit right.

Stiles placed a hand on Derek's, gripping it and sending the werewolf a fond glance, “Her name is _Laura_. Laura Talia Hale.”

And the admiring look on Derek's face splits into something else.

 _Love_.


	2. Meet Our Number One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for the first birthday. #TheyGrowUpSoFast

Derek Hale, the freaking alpha of Beacon Hills, was standing in the middle of a pink girly princess shit fest. His entire apartment was coated from wall to wall in glitter and One Direction, the boy band of nightmares.

“Stiles,” Derek raises his voice over the teenybopper music, “I said I wasn’t buying all this stuff, what happened?”

Stiles rolled his eyes, “Honestly, Derek, our daughter happened. She really wanted the One Direction decorations, so I got it.”

“She’s turning one,” Derek says, flinging himself down on the least destroyed part of the couch, “She won't understand if you got her One Direction things or not.”

“You’re so stupid,” Stiles mumbles, rushing over to the kitchen to grab some icing, he immediately went to work on the bare vanilla cake, “When Scott and Kira drop her off, you’ll stop being so grumpy.”

Derek huffed. He wasn’t respected in his own home, his mate didn’t regard his wishes about the decorations, and his cub was into One Direction. His life was falling apart. A car screeched up to the Hale house, blasting What Makes You Beautiful.

It was Kira and Scott with his and Stiles daughter, [Laura](http://media.irishcentral.com/images/MI+Baby+brown+hair+blue+eyes+Irish+baby+names+iStock.jpg). 

When Derek thinks back on the moment she was born, his heart flutters. Laura Talia Hale was his one true joy in life.

The way her feet were too chubby to fit in the onsie feet holes, or the way her hair stands up on her head like she’s being electrocuted. Everything about his daughter, even how precious and human she is, makes him happy. Only rift, she can’t receive his alpha powers, so Derek was thinking about asking Stiles for another.

Scott and Kira crash through the door, caring Laura and bouncing her around. They look good with a baby, but Derek feels almost jealous watching them. It’s ridiculous because that’s his daughter, but the animalistic side of him doesn’t like it.

“There’s my baby girl!” Stiles coos, running over with his arms wide open, frosting stuck in his left eyebrow and on his cheek. Stiles is so beautiful, with that after pregnancy glow that hasn’t gone away. Derek doesn’t know how he breathes properly around him.

Laura makes grabby hands towards her daddy, burying her head in Stiles neck.

“ _Bab, pata, bi,_ ” Laura gargles, a gummy smile with two cut teeth appears, and she rubs her chubby hands over Stile face. She’s been doing the rubbing thing for the past four months, and Derek assumes it’s some type of scenting.

“Yes, Laurie, it’s your birthday!” Stiles murmurs into her soft head brown head of hair, rocking her body back and forth, “Happy number one.”

Derek watched his cub pull her head from his mate's neck and began looking around. She sees the Harry Styles posters and starts clapping her hands together, then starts squealing at the Louis Tomlinson pillow on the couch. Stiles sends Derek a  _I-told-you-so_ look, then hoists Laura onto his shoulders, walking around to let her touch everything. Derek had never felt so attracted to Stiles then he did at that moment.

And even if One Direction was blasting over the stereos speakers, he finds himself humming along to Story of My Life. Maybe, and don’t tell Stiles, that teenybopper music wasn’t half bad.

Watching Laura bob her head to the beat almost certainly made his heart clench, and seeing Stiles so ravished looking made his stomach quiver.

What a perfect, and not falling apart, life he had.


	3. Meet Our Kindergartener

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The difficulties of raising a child. 
> 
> (There are some religious controversial topics in this chapter. Read at your own risk.)

The years leading up to kindergarten had been simultaneously the best and worst years of Stiles life. He watched Laura inherit all the traits that made Derek elegant and beautiful, and then she got stuck with Stiles low attention span.

Laura was diagnosed with ADHD at four; They were given all the standard pamphlets (about how she would be lacking in social, academic, or occupational functioning) and the specialist even suggested a coach.

They were sitting in the doctor’s office. Stiles had noticed Laura’s symptoms early on, he’d asked his Dad about it, and received a solid yes to a check-up.

“It’s all my fault,” Stiles mumbled, reading the _“ADD/ADHD: Is It Genetic or Hereditary?”_  magazine.

Derek rolled his eyes, squeezing Stiles leg in comfort, “How is this your fault?”

“ADHD is genetic,” Stiles read off, flipping the page for more proof of his terrible fatherhood, “If your child has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, it is likely that you or your partner has the disorder.”

With raised eyebrows, “So? That doesn’t mean it’s your fault.”

“Yes, it does. I passed down my mutated genes.”

“Would you rather me passing down my werewolf-gene? Her being hunted like an animal for the rest of her life?” Derek asked, a serious expression ghosted over his face, “I’d rather her be like you than like me.”

“Okay,” Stiles snapped, “Stop the self-hate, you fucking martyr.”

“You first,” Derek replied.

And that had been that. It was final, Laura Talia Hale was perfect in every way. Perfect and human and gooey and mentally unstable, just like her Poppy. So, when the school year started up, Derek suggested they place her in Kindergarten.

She was recently five, but still underdeveloped with social skills. The only people she liked talking to was the pack. It made Derek proud that she was so tuned in with her instincts.

And it made Stiles worry.

How was she going to survive elementary school if she wouldn’t talk to anybody?

Derek assured him that most cubs were like that when they entered school and it was completely normal. Stiles reminded him that Laura wasn’t a cub, she was a human child and needed certain social cues.

So, they decided that they _would_ hire the ADHD coach.

It takes two weeks before Laura talks to the woman, she’d spent the first week glaring and the second completely ignoring her.

“I don’t like her, Poppy,” Laura tells Stiles, “She’s not Pack, and she smells like pickles.”

Stiles stifles a smile, “I thought you liked pickles, Laurie.”

“I do like pickles. But she smells like vinegar and cat pee,” Laura says, whining and pouting her lip, “If she has to be here, can you ask her not to take a bath in pickle juice?”

And even though the “pickle-y” smell persisted, Laura began to be more outgoing and had a longer attention span. She started to focus better and even talked to Parish at the police station.

So, with the social development, Stiles decided that Laura _should_ enrol in kindergarten.

The Beacon Hills elementary school was immediately off the table, according to Derek. He suggested the forty minute drive to Sacramento, and Stiles shot him down. They were not driving forty minutes for a better school.

Laura, with her five-year-old mind, had also protested. She claimed that Beacon Hills elementary had the best playground and that it was the only place she was willing to go to. Derek eventually caved.

The morning of the first day of school was a hectic thing. After the alarm went off at six a.m. Erica stole Laura from her room and went to town with clothes and hair. Stiles eyes, still groggy from sleep, barely had time to open before Erica broke into his and Derek’s bedroom.

Honestly, Stiles was glad that she wasn’t a mother yet because Erica was the type you’d consider a tiger mum.

Driving Laura to school in Derek’s minivan made it all more real. How was their daughter already five years old? And was Stiles ready to let her go? Derek would never admit it, but Stiles swore he saw him getting misty eyed as they got closer to the institution.

They pulled into the parking lot, and Stiles gets a feel for the school. It’s the first times he’s seeing it since registration, and looking at it all decorated for the first day of school makes him sigh. The staff aren’t putting much effort into it.

Laura squirms around in her booster seat, “Are you gonna let me outta these belts, Dadoo?”

“Yes, Laurie,” Derek says, giving Stiles an exasperated look. “Let Poppy and Dadoo get out of their own seat belt first, yeah?”

She nods, seeming satisfied.

They walk down the hallway, full of buzzing parents and rambunctious children, with Laura in the middle of him and Derek. Some people stop and give them curious stares, which was a small reason they kept her sheltered for so long.

Unfortunately, being the sheriff's son gave him some type of celebrity status in their small town. So, when he ended up moving in with an ex-convict, getting married, and “adopting” a child the entire town had their newest scandal.

It had been six years since Stiles and Derek started dating and the gossip still hadn’t stopped.

They arrived at Laura’s classroom, the door wide open and having a constant stream of bodies going in and out. The weight finally weighs down on Stiles' shoulders, he drops to his knees in front of Laura.

“Listen, kid. If you want to get out of here, let's go.”

She gives him this crooked half smile, shaking him to his core, it reminds him of Derek, “I’m fine, Poppy. I want to go.”

Derek bends down next to him, “Laura wants to go, Stiles. Can’t change your mind.”

“She might want to go, now. But we could wait another year. Y’know, to make sure she really wants to go. To make sure she’s ready.”

“Well Mr. Stilinski, I can assure you that this little lady seems one hundred percent ready to join kindergarten,” A loud voice booms from above them. Stiles looks up, catching eyes with Laura’s teacher, Mrs. Daren.

Derek stands up quickly, “Actually, it’s Mr. Hale.”

She pays him no mind, “I was surprised to see your daughter under that last name, as well.”

Stiles stands up slowly, “That’s usually what happens when you have a child while married.”

“Oh,” Her face makes an exaggerated “O” expression, “I hadn’t realised you actually got married to a man. I know it’s legal now, but I never thought you were one of those gays.”

Before he can get his bearings, Derek takes hold of his hand, “We better get going. Bye, Laura. Have a great first day of school.”

“Bye, Dadoo! Bye, Poppy!”

Then their little girl runs into the classroom, followed closely by Mrs. Daren. Silently fuming, Stiles gets dragged out of the school and sat in the minivan. Derek barely pulls them back on the road before the ranting starts.

“Who does that bitch think she is?”

Derek rolls his eyes, “She didn’t say anything blatantly offensive.”

“Yeah,” Stiles agreed, “It wasn’t blatant. It was subtle. Like, an undercurrent. She didn’t bash us, but it was implied.”

When Derek didn’t say anything, Stiles continued, “I think we should switch Laura out of that class.”

“What?” Derek’s voice was weary.

“I don’t want her in a homophobic environment,” Stiles explained, turning to face him.

“I don’t know, Stiles. I think we’re being too overprotective-” Derek starts.

“No,” Stiles interrupts, “What if leaving her in this class shifts her view of the world? She could start thinking her own parents were, _I don't know_ , going to Hell or something. Fuck, what if this teacher makes her feels like…”

“Like what?” Derek asks.

Stiles huffs, “Like she’s some kind of devil child. She was born into a gay marriage. Mrs. Daren could make her feel like trash.”

They stay quiet, then, “Okay. We can go to the principal this afternoon and make a class change.”

A huge grin breaks out on Stiles' face, “If you weren’t driving right now... I’d give you the best blowjob of your life.”

Derek chokes on his own spit.  

* * *

 

Laura was having a good day. The best day of her life.

Excluding that time Dadoo lets her run through the woods with all the puppies. That had been so fun. Especially when all the puppies showed their wolfie faces. Auntie Erica’s wolfie face was her favourite.

(Auntie Erica was her favourite puppy, too.)

All the kids were nice here. They all seemed to understand everything she was talking about, unlike when Poppy pretended to understand. She was making so many new friends. None of them was Pack level friendly, though.

She told Mrs. D that, and got a funny look back.

“What do you mean, Laura?”

“I like Shey, but he isn’t friendly enough to join the pack,” She explained, her teacher was obviously dumb if she didn’t understand pack.

After talking about wolves for the entire morning, all the others thought her wolfie stories were fun, Mrs. D told her she needed to find new stories to tell. She told Laura that wolves eating bunnies isn't appropriate.

“Okay yeah, but what if I _want_ to talk about wolves and Bunnies,” Laura said, stomping her foot because Mrs. D was being a dummy. “Everybody else in the class likes my stories. It’s only you that don’t.”

All the three friends Laura acquired nodded their heads, really seriously.

Mrs. D blew air out of her nose, “I don’t think you’re in charge, Miss. Stilinski. I’m the teacher. I’m the adult. I rule the classroom."

“Okay yeah, but my Poppy said that ma-jor-ity rules. That means we should vote and see how many people want to hear my wolf stories and how many people want to be dumb harpies and not hear them.”

Laura watched Mrs. D’s eyes get wide, then she added, “And my last name is Hale.”

After ten minutes in time out, Laura’s day was not the best day of her life. It wasn’t even a good day anymore. Dumb Mrs. D told her that she was being smarty pants and that she was being punished.

Laura never got punished before. Only the puppy’s got punished. And the feeling in her stomach made her never want to get punished again. All her new friends were running around the room playing, but Laura was stuck in the corner.

And apparently, Dumb Harpy was a bad word. But Laura had heard Poppy and Dadoo talking about dumb-harpies all the time. They were constantly talking about a Harpy problem in the south woods.

But Laura didn’t want to get any more punishment, so she kept her mouth shut.

After punishment was over, Laura got to sit next to this girl named Beth. Beth was very short and had long blackish hair, and Laura decided to whisper to her, “Even though you’re short, I like your dress.”

Beth smiles, and runs both hands down the front of said dress, straightening out all the wrinkles. “Thank you. I liked your wolf stories.”

Before Laura could respond, Mrs. D shushed them.

“Okay, students, it’s craft time. We’re going to be making baby Jesus in the manger; With the three Wisemen . It’s an art assignment, so sit still and wait for me to hand out your equipment.”

“Yeah okay, but I don’t know who dumb baby Jesus is and why he’s in a dumb manger anyway,” Laura said, making Mrs. D give her this funny look like she’s a wounded animal. Laura’s seen her Dadoo give Uncle Scott this look before, and she doesn’t like it.

Mrs. D hands out crafts and pieces of constructed paper and tells them to rip the paper and make people shapes. Only, Laura didn’t like the way the way the ripped paper looked. It made her head hurt.

It’s like the same feeling she gets when her room isn’t clean, or when she doesn’t lick her bowl clean, or even when she can’t focus on one thing at a time.

So, she used a trick her Poppy taught her and folded all the lines, licked them, then tore them, so the edged wouldn’t be so jagged anymore. After she makes three people shapes, a bed shape, and a baby shape, Laura get’s the glue stick and glues down the pieces.

Sneaking a peep at her new best friend Beth’s, Laura feels a bundle of pride grow in her tummy because Beth’s picture of that dumb baby Jesus’ manger is very ugly and crooked. While her own picture is very straight edged and beautiful.

With pride bubbling in her chest, Laura picks up her artwork and skips to the front of the classroom, stopping at the teacher’s desk.

“I am here to turn in my craft. Only don’t touch the front because it’s still wet with glue, Okay Mrs. D?”

Mrs. D spares her a glance before holding out her hand. Laura places it in her outreaching hand and begins to hurry back to her seat because Beth had been talking about her pet guinea pig and Laura needed to know how to get one of those.

“Excuse me, Laura?”

Turning on her toes, Laura looks up at Mrs. D, “Yes, Ma’am?”

“I told you not to use scissors. I said ripping only.”

Laura gave Mrs. D an unimpressed look, “I didn’t use scissors. I only ripped.”

Mrs. D gave Laura a meanie point with her finger, “No, you used scissors. Don’t lie, Laura.”

“Yeah okay, but I think I would know if I used scissors or not and I did not use them. So, keep your assumptions to yourself.”

Her Auntie Erica says that a lot to her Uncle Boyd. Everyone usually laughs when that happens. Mrs. D doesn’t laugh. In fact, Mrs. D seems to get even meaner; Her face puffs up and her cheeks get red.

“Laura, you're going to need to stay in during recess and redo this, okay?”

Which meant more punishment. Going back to her seat, especially in her gloomy mood, was not fun. Beth kept giving her these sad looks, and said stuff like, “Too bad you messed up and can’t play with me during recess.”

Beth wasn’t her new best friend anymore, Laura decided. Because those words hurt her feelings and friends don’t hurt each other's feelings. Laura didn’t like Beth anymore.

Everyone began to line up to go outside, but Laura had to stay put and not move an inch. Mrs. D gave her more materials and told her to redo the craft but make it more authentic. Whatever that means.

So, Laura spent exactly three and a half minutes making the sloppiest and ugliest dumb baby Jesus manger in the classroom. And as she was making the picture all ugly she got a bright idea.

Her Poppy had used a word once and made her promise not to use it _ever_. And the only reason he used it was because he was super duper angry.

Laura was super duper angry now.

So, she grabbed a turquoise crayon, her favourite colour, and wrote Mrs. D a message on the large rug in the middle of the classroom. She even made sure to make it as neat as possible so that it would make Mrs. D even dumber looking.

* * *

 

Stiles didn’t expect to be called back to the school. When he got the phone call from the principal, his imagination went to the worst. Luckily Laura wasn’t sick, only in big trouble. The whole pack had wanted to go check it out, but Sties convinced them to settle down.

Derek seemed on edge the entire way to the school. Stiles paid him no attention, instead focusing on the many situations that could be playing out.

Laura had never really gotten in trouble before. She was a good kid. So, of course, she had had her first tantrum at public school. She choice this place to act out. And it’s not that he’s mad about her doing something bad, he’s scared for her.

He wonders how nervous she is, sitting in the principal office all alone. With that thought on his mind, Stiles speeds up his driving, pushing his jeep to the breaking point.

As soon as they park, Derek is sprinting towards the school’s entrance, only pausing so Stiles can catch up. He’s got this wild look in his eye, like the one he gets if someone who’s not Pack touches Stiles.

The receptionist smiles warmly at them, “Are you, Mr. and Mr, Hale?”

“Yes,” Stiles replies, “Is she okay?”

“Totally fine, doll,” She answers, then points, “Go down that hall, and to the left for Dr. Malarky.”

They walk down the hall, and it honestly feels like Stiles is getting sent to the principal's office himself. The walk is short, Dr. Malarky’s office is not what he expected. The room is filled with splashes of colour, bean bags around the floor, and a big whiteboard on the wall.

Laura is sat on one of the beanbags, legs pulled against her chest and tears streaked cheeks.

Dr. Malarky speaks before Stiles can reach out and hug Laura, “Mr. and Mr. Hale. How wonderful for you two to join us.”

Maybe Stiles is going insane, but the comment sounds extremely genuine.

"Yes," He starts, "We weren't expecting to get called into the principal's office already."

Dr. Malarky smiles, "Well, I have a method in situations like these. The child gets to explain themselves. Laura? Tell your parents what you did."

Laura shrinks into herself, "I'd rather not."

The principle sends her a supportive gaze, "If you don't, I will. You might want to give your side first."

"Okay," Their daughter looks like she's seriously doubting everything that's coming out of Dr Malarky's mouth, but starts talking anyway. "I wrote a bad word on Mrs. D's carpet."

"What did you write, Laura?"

" _I wrote-_ " She gives Dr. Malarky an unsure glance, " _Fuck you, Mrs. D._ "

Oh. _Oh_.

Stiles gives Derek a raised eyebrow because their daughter is secretly a badass. There had to be a reason Laura would use that word. She wouldn't have pulled her trump card for any reason unless it was serious.

"Why did you write that?"

Derek's voice sounded so stern ~~that the hot dad roleplay suddenly didn't seem so ridiculous.~~ Stiles pushed the thought away and focused on the current problem. His daughter literally wrote "fuck you" on the homophobic teacher's rug. How can he pretend to act disappointed when he's totally proud? 

Laura shifts around on her beanbag, crossing and uncrossing her legs, twiddling her thumbs, and biting her lower lip.

"She called me a liar. She didn't believe me when I said I tore up the pieces for that dumb baby Jesus' manger and she made me stay inside for recess."

Stiles looks up at Dr. Malarky, “Why were they doing anything religious? They are in kindergarten. That means that the bible or any non-secular text shouldn’t be allowed. ”

“Honestly, I’m not sure,” Dr. Malarky says, “I’ll be looking into that.”

(Meaning; I’m never going to look into that because I don’t want our school to be sued and I can’t legitimately fire Mrs. Daren because she’s got tenure. So fuck you concerned atheist parent. Stiles can read between the lines.)

Derek speaks, “Mrs. Deren also showed bias against Stiles and I, when we dropped off Laura this morning, for our sexualities.”

Stiles leans forward, “I’m sure the ACLU would have a field day with this-”

Laura is tuning out in the corner.

Stiles continues, “-Our five-year-old child lashing out because she’s being forced to participate in Christian activities and we also get prejudice from the exact same teacher because we’re in a homosexual relationship.”

“Kind of fishy, huh?” Derek chimes in.

“Plus, our child struggles with ADHD. So, I’m sure that you can give her a pass on her hyper focused aggression. She sometimes has to show her anger and I’m sure you’re glad she chose words instead of violence.”

Dr. Malarky looks stunned, which makes Stiles feel kind of bad because she's honestly not the villain in this situation. “Yes. Well. Laura. I feel I must ask, how did you make all the pieces so straight?”

Laura looks at them, “I licked them and tore them. The jagged edges made my head hurt.”

A smug feeling washed over him, subtly concern for his daughter, “See? Laura here is special. Being messy isn’t her style. And she got punished for it. Is she really in the wrong here?”

Sighing, Dr. Malarky nods, “We are dealing with a delicate situation here. But she still used profanity.”

“If she hadn’t used that word, would we even be aware that she was being mistreated?” Derek asked.

The room was quiet, excluding Laura’s tapping foot.

“I still need to suspend her. Three days at the most. Then, we can put her in a different class when she gets back,” Dr. Malarky says. “I’m sorry, Mr. and Mr. Hale. Tell the sheriff I’m sorry too. But I need to do my job.”

Rolling his eyes, Stiles stood up. “Thanks for seeing us. Until next time, Dr. Malarky.”

Dr. Malarky gives him a weak smile, “Please, Stiles, call me Barbra.”

Derek shakes her hand, then holds it out for Laura. She latches on and they begin to walk out of the office. Before they make it all the way out, Stiles says for spite, “Let’s go get some _I’m-secretly-proud-of-you_ ice cream.”

“Okay,” Laura grins at him, completely oblivious to Barbra's dismay.

And when Derek kisses him longer than usual that night, strawberry ice cream flavoured tongue, Stiles breaks away to breathe, "How about that blowjob?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I never thought this would have more chapters. 
> 
> (Also, this is based off a "JkNews" video. If anyone wants that link, comment and I'll give it to you.)

**Author's Note:**

> My twitter:  
> https://twitter.com/ImpalaLostiel
> 
> Check me out, I guess.
> 
> And like I said before, don't be afraid to correct me on any spelling, grammar, or over all weird mistakes. If a sentence doesn't make sense, let me know, dawg.


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